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by GrimSylphie



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen, Medical Procedures, Nightmares, Past Character Death, Redemption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-14 04:36:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5729755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrimSylphie/pseuds/GrimSylphie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the fall of The First Order, Kylo Ren is gone and what remains is Ben Solo. Captured by The Resistance he must face the consequences of his actions and figure out to do with what remains. </p><p>Written for TFA Kink</p>
            </blockquote>





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**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the TFA Kink Meme prompt found here: http://tfa-kink.dreamwidth.org/1082.html?thread=1194554#cmt1194554 
> 
> OP asked for a situation where Kylo/Ben can't feel the force through some sort of supression. I chose to do a redemption fic because I need a dash of hope with my heatbreaking angst.

“All finished for today Master Solo.” The medical droid said pulling the needle away from the PICC line that had been placed last month after it was clear his veins would have irreparable damage if they kept up with the treatments. “Your next appointment will be in 7 days at 0900 hours.” Ben huffed, he was used to the schedule by now. The feeling of numbness overtaking the start of the tingling of the force returning to him as it always did just before his injection at the end of each week. 

He had been back at The Resistance base for a little over a year now. One year, fifty four days, and eleven hours since he had been captured and brought home during the final battle of The First Order. Rey and Luke had killed Snoke and along with his death something broke in Kylo Ren. A weight, an overbearing sense of light came over him and he was forced to the ground by the weight of those whose lives he ended. He was left ravaged by the power of the force and humbled, all that remained of the man he had been was Ben Solo, the boy he had so desperately tried to leave behind.

When he woke up in those first days following the final battle he felt numb. The buzzing of the force that was always at the back of his mind, always using him as the rope for a tug-a-war match between the light and the dark was gone. He didn’t even realize his mother was asleep at his bedside until he turned and saw her face. She looked so weary, the frown lines on her face deeper than he had ever known. “Mo—Mom.” He whispered, his voice cracking from disuse. It caused the exhausted woman to wake. He was starting to panic. He couldn’t feel her, he could hardly move, his body refusing his commands. 

She held his hand, calmed him with her gentle touch. Then she told him that the remains of The Republic, those not destroyed by Hux’s superweapon held a trial while he slept. They determined what would be done about those who remained, those who committed war crimes as part of The First Order. “They determined that you were only a threat so long as you could use the force. They’ve decided to suppress your abilities, indefinitely.” She explained, tears threatening to spill from her eyes. Even if he couldn’t feel himself, she could feel what was going on around him.

Ben had wanted to rage, to cry, but he found himself numb. He was suddenly without obligations to the light or the dark. No one could control him any longer but with that he could no longer feel his mother’s comforting touch beside him. He no longer could push down his emotions or harness them into power. 

That left him with his own worst enemy. His memories. Those first days he spent a lot of time in his hospital bed. Turned away from the door. Crying whenever he was alone. His mother and uncle his only regular visitors.  
Rey had visited once during those first days but cried when she saw the IV in the back of his hand, feeding the drug that would keep him from connecting to the force. It seemed she had realized just how cold the world was without the comforting pull of the force. She never came back.

Once he got out of the medical wing it seemed to get worse. Without the painkillers working as a sleep aid he had nightmares. He would often wake up screaming or crying with memories of burning villages and the feeling of his father’s blood soaking through his gloves and onto his hands. His mother often found him after he scratched his arms until he drew blood, thin rivulets still running down them. 

At two months he was desperate to get away from his own mind. When he asked his mother what he should do she responded by putting him to work for The Resistance. Despite the war being over there was still a lot to be done. His mother didn’t plan to make the same mistake as when they beat The Empire. Her resistance was still wiping out the remaining resources and facilities of The First Order. They were always in need of a mechanic to help keep the x-wings in top shape. Often the pilots were left pulling double duty repairing their machines during their off shifts so they could go off on another recon mission. 

In the beginning, Poe Dameron was the only pilot brave enough to let Ben work on his x-wing. The two began working closely together and after a few months of listening to the best pilot’s singing and cheesy jokes they became something akin to friends. It was around that time that his hands started to show damage from the weekly injections of the force suppressants. His veins looked like sickly cracks under his skin. That was when the medical droids offered to install a PICC line. It was better than having his hands damaged and having to find a new hobby now that he was settled and it wasn’t like they would ever offer to take him off the suppressants. So he opted to undergo the minor procedure. Poe made him a ‘Get Well Soon’ holo vid with BB-8 and Rey sat with them at dinner and actually managed to smile at him without looking like she felt guilty for feeling the force that was now lost to him.

That was a turning point. Just before the year mark, another pilot asked him to assist with their x-wing. After that one broke the ice, they began swarming, wanting upgrades the few other mechanics didn’t have time for. It was flattering and the work gave him a feeling akin to pride, something he hadn’t felt in a long time. Rey began joining him him regularly at meals, the former Stormtrooper that followed her and Dameron even began to interact with him, albeit warily. It was around that time he noticed from the way his mother’s eyes held more sadness than usual that the anniversary of his father’s death… murder… at his hands was coming up. He tried not to think about it but he spent much of the day with a dark cloud over his head. He could hardly focus on his work and even Dameron’s bad jokes didn’t help. In fact it wasn’t until he felt a large furry figure lifting up his lanky form from the cockpit he was working in that things changed. It was the embrace of Chewbacca, his fathers’ constant companion and his childhood babysitter. It was the feeling of forgiveness. One he didn’t deserve. He broke down and cried for what seemed like hours in Chewie’s arms whispering apologies before he was finally able to calm himself.

So here he was, struggling, a line in his arm that might never be gone. Here he was, unable to feel the thing that had made him special in the first place. He had his mother though, and his uncle, and Chewie, and his friends and when he thought of that the dark cloud over his head didn’t seem so overbearing anymore. The nightmares might never abate but he could move forward. Slowly, steadily whether he deserved it or not.


End file.
